Gaining trust in GOD was hard work for me.

Overexertion, phyisical exhaustion and fatigue were the way there. I was like the butterfly I am watching now for several hours flying against the window of the wintergarden, again and again trying the same spot to escape.

Talking to it didn’t help. Trying to catch it to set it free didn’t help. Asking GOD to help didn’t help, you get the one reply, he won’t hear.

I couldn’t hear I could be helped for a very long time. And only overdoing work to an extend I could in fact not stand would lead me to that. Listening. Wait a moment. You don’t have to do something. You will get help.

I know now, GOD wants the best for me.

I had to wait for a long time to get it. Instead of getting something I wanted, I got this sentence. Today. Like a sentence from heaven.

And it is more than words, today. Not only words, but a feeling.

I want your best, Annie, therefore you had to wait. You know now it made sense.

And I agree. And nod – and bow.

Bad news make you feel as if you are alone.

For a moment, all the people you know move into the background and there is a space where nothing is left.

This space opens up to real help. Not solace, nor sharing these bad news with others. But asking GOD, what this was for.

If your are lucky and stand the moment, this crisis might open up to a silence that tells you, everything is ok.

So what really bothers me is the missing love.

I keep thinking and thinking and thinking … about those people who I thought have seen me, but would not say a word.

About a father or mother that did not offer affection I realized.

And those people on the street I am friendly to, but who would not answer this.

It took me long to realize that it’s the missing love that bothers me. Today I see the news and all I can see is missing love. Today I turn around and know they are all busy with other things.

Years ago, I was sure, something was wrong with me.

When I was only 18, I never thought I would be happy. Neither was I aware that you could leave an unhappy home, even though it wasn’t far from then.

Now I know that this is one of the most important things to learn. Leaving, when it is necessary. I’m still struggling when it is time. But I listen. I heard clearly enough „you know what you have to do!“.

When I leave at a point that others think is silly, I know there was still something to learn.

Of course, when you finally understood, you are wondering why it took so long. It seemed obvious.

When I started listening to the lyrics of music, I wondered why every song was about love. Is there no other topic, was my thought? I became angry. There was so little love to be found in our familiy and that was what it was all about? How should I get there?

When I grew up, love changed. Finding a relationship became important and romantic love was the only thing to get. Not getting the love I needed in my early childhood days, I made some very poor efforts in this field during youth. Listening to the same songs, I became aware that love was their theme, but loss of love was what these songs were about. So I wasn’t alone.

Growing old, I finally realize that we are only talking about the things we didn’t solve during our lives. So I am happy to say I don’t need to talk too much these days. And romantic love is not the one thing to get, but just one way to become aware of what love might do. It changes you from fighting to trusting. And it has been the persons I really trust that gave it in a way, I haven’t forgotten after twenty and more years, and it was always refused by people I was constantly thinking about.

When my little girl was four, she would ask me for the first time, what was the best thing that happened to you, ever…

And you expect me now to write, it was you, girlie.

She expected me to say something like that big ice cream sundae, my parents bought me on a hot summer day when I was about your age.

But that real best thing that happened to me was the education I could get which led to a life led in independence and some freedom. And I told my girl so.

I would so much like to say there had been other days like the one in Manziana since then. But the certainty I had that day was difficult to receive in everyday life after that.

So when the inner voice said that day, it would be difficult to find accomodation, I was laughing a bit incredulously, since that would be a first one, no other day since then had this been a problem. But at the same time I also knew that it would be like it had been told.

Arriving in Manziana, the only place that could be considered was fully booked. Asking, what I should do next, the answer was „wait“.

This was the most frequent reply to everything. Wait. While you could think, this was to constrain your possibilities, I now know that everything had already been sorted out. The „wait“ just meant, you have nothing to do, we will take care.

Ten minutes later, help arrived.

If someone asks me today, what was your most perfect day, I will always respond: the day in Manziana.

If I should sum up everything that life wanted to show me, I will still refer to that day and everything it was about. After a long night lying awake listening to Italian life and liveliness, annoyed of that place at that time, everything turned out to be just the right thing to happen.

Leaving. That was everything I wanted then. Calming down. Not overexcercise. Slowly. Not doing too much.

I was so happy after a while. Walking. Alone. Through olive trees – thousands of years old, it seemed. Being told to calm down. To acknowledge their age. And their wisdom.

I was well advised to listen.